OK, the jig is up. People are starting to figure out that Kentucky is awesome and cool and beautiful and all around just a great place to live. The thing is, us Kentuckians created the unique culture we have here in the Bluegrass State all on our own while the rest of the country was too busy thinking that KFC gravy runs through our veins. Here are all the reasons that people should just stay in Hoosier Land or wherever they’re from instead deciding to move here, and let us have Kentucky all to ourselves.
1. We have more barrels of bourbon in the state than we do people, and we'd like to keep it that way.
There are about 5.3 million barrels of bourbon in Kentucky. The total population is 4.4 million people.
2. If you're looking for someplace with specific types of landscapes, you should probably look elsewhere, because Kentucky just has way too many. In the eastern part of the state, you have the Appalachian Mountains.
Beautiful peaks, tremendous hiking, stunning gorges, and the historic Cumberland Gap... who needs it, right?
3. The central part of the state is home to the best thoroughbred race horses in the world, who get to live on the rolling hills of Kentucky's Bluegrass region.
Hate to burst your bubble, but no, bluegrass isn't actually blue. It's a brilliant shade of green, but when it gets to about two to three feet, blue flowers blossom at the top.
4. Western Kentucky is so cavernous, there's almost as much to do underground as there is above ground. In fact, Mammoth Cave is the longest cave system in the world.
So if you drove across Kentucky from east to west in a day, you'd experience mountains, farmland, and deep caves. That's just way too confusing.
5. Natural phenomenon? What natural phenomenon? I have no idea what you're talking about.
Cumberland Falls is the only waterfall in the western hemisphere where a moonbow regularly occurs. But hey, Victoria Falls in Africa is the other place in the world where that happens, so you could always go there.
6. If it's anywhere near the first Saturday in May, we're probably going to be too distracted celebrating the Most Exciting Two Minutes in Sports.
It's too crowded around Kentucky Derby time anyway. It's probably better to just stay in your home state that weekend. Limousines take up way too much street parking, bourbon is all anybody is drinking, and there's just way too many parties to choose from, so that's pretty stressful right?
7. Speaking of the Derby, we definitely don't have the largest annual fireworks show in North America to kick off Derby season or anything.
Nope, nothing like that happens. We definitely don't party for two straight weeks either.
8. We have our fair share of Kentucky-bred sports heroes, too, and we're really not looking to change that.
You just can't top the Greatest Of All Time, so it's best not to bother trying.
9. Even our animals are champions, like American Pharoah here.
We still love you, Secretariat.
10. If the University of Louisville Cardinals and the University of Kentucky Wildcats are playing each other in ANYTHING, even table tennis, just stay away. The state is closed.
This rivalry makes your pro sports team rivalry just look silly.
11. If you have an irrational fear of huge versions of ordinary sized things, then Kentucky is not the place for you.
The world's biggest baseball bat leans against the Louisville Slugger Museum and Factory. The horror.
12. Also, we're probably too busy inventing culinary wonders like the Hot Brown.
Ever heard of a cheeseburger? We invented that too. See also: benedictine, bourbon balls, Modjeska candies, beer cheese, burgoo, Henry Bain sauce, Derby Pie.
13. And don't you worry, we have plenty of our own homegrown musical talent from a wide variety of genres. Thanks for trying to help though.
There's Loretta Lynn, the Judds, Billy Ray Cyrus, Dwight Yoakam, Will Oldham, Ben Sollee, My Morning Jacket, Cage the Elephant, Nappy Roots, Nicole Scherzinger, and that's just some of them.
14. Plus, the weather in Kentucky is just way to weird for people who aren't used to it. It could look like this on Monday...
P.S. It's April.
15. ...and look like this by Thursday.
You'll go from wearing shorts to wearing a parka. There is no in between.
Sorry folks, not everyone is cut out for the awesomeness of being a Kentuckian. Just leave it to the experts.