Denver December 20, 2016
22 Reasons Why You Should Never, Ever Move To Denver
The population of Denver continues to swell rapidly, and newcomers are showing up at our doorstep each and every day. But if you ask any self-respecting Mile High resident, they’ll tell you straight up that you should never move to Denver – never, ever. From gaping potholes and summer snow showers to an over abundance of beer and outdoor activities, here are 22 reasons to stay away from the Mile High City. I mean it.
During these uncertain times, please keep safety in mind and consider adding destinations to your bucket list to visit at a later date.
1. We live in a "bipolar vortex."
Truth. On November 16, 2016, temperatures in Denver leapt to 78 degrees, breaking a record high set in 1941. The very next day, on November 17, we got the first snow of the season.
2. That's right, it snows when it wants in Denver...
...especially in July.
3. Denverites drive like maniacs...
...especially after a fresh blanket of snow falls or the roads are frozen over with black ice. If anything, it fuels the agro-Colorado-driver's fire.
4. The Mile High City is full of Peter Pans.
The syndrome is real.
5. Like I was saying.
Only in Denver, indeed!
6. The struggle of being a Broncos fan is real.
Who else is still feeling the pain of that Chiefs loss!?!? Gut punch.
7. The struggle of living at high altitude is real.
You'll never be able to get drunk at sea level again. Don't say I didn't warn you.
8. If you order a grande skinny mocha latte at the neighborhood coffee shop, the barista will look at you like an alien.
What the heck is a venti?
9. You'll become a coffee snob.
The Mile High City has so many charming coffee shops and local roasters, it's darn near impossible to pick a favorite. (Note: Starbucks is for losers.)
10. You'll become a beer snob.
With over 50 craft breweries in the Denver city limits and more than 200 in the state of Colorado, you can't help but become a beer snob (aka connoisseur). Long live the microbrew!
11. People will continually make lame pot jokes when you tell them you live in Denver.
Just because it's legal, doesn't mean everybody's doing it. Or are they?
12. This is how you'll have to spend all your weekends...
...all ski season. Don't even think about staying in the city after a fresh dump. That would be sacrilege!
13. Because you could easily go to bed like this...
14. ...and wake up like this.
Colorado truly has too much beauty for transplants to handle. For your own safety, steer clear! You've been warned.
15. The Mile High sunshine and scenery eventually get old.
Hideous. Repulsive even.
16. Sometimes it snows.
A lot. And nobody likes to play in the snow. Am I right?
17. Other times we even have near white out conditions.
Seriously folks, it's the type of weather that warrants staying indoors and drinking hot tea while listening to records. Is that boring or what?
18. Morning walks can be quite brisk.
We're talking hats, mittens, scarves, boots, coats, and all sorts of other accessories you'll have to purchase.
19. Cold + snow + ice + salt = giant pot holes.
And flat tires.
20. You'll be forced to spend time in nature and to embrace moments of deep understanding and solitude.
Tranquility in the city? Ugh.
21. Because the surroundings are so beautiful, you'll never want to leave.
22. Like I was saying.
Hoards of people are moving to Denver every day. Don't join them. What do you want to be? A robot?
Another reason to avoid the Mile High City is that 16 million flatlanders visit every year, and here are
20 Surefire Ways To Spot A Tourist In Denver.