If you’re from Idaho and you’re offended, I’m sorry. Kind of. OK, no I’m not. Because this is really all in jest and if you don’t have a sense of humor, then maybe you should drive on down to Utah and buy one. Or, write your own list and pick on Wyoming.
1) Utah Has FIVE National Parks
We have Zion’s, Bryce Canyon, Arches, Canyonlands and Capitol Reef. Idaho has...let’s see….oh. Idaho has NONE.
2) Ute Football is Better
Really, Boise State? We’re tired of hearing about your football team. The University of Utah is in the PAC-12. You’re in that itty-bitty conference, playing wuss teams like New Mexico. Puhleeze.
3) Utah Has the LDS Conference Center
Wanna go to General Conference, Idahoan? Better book a hotel room because it happens HERE.
4) Our Lake is Bigger
I hate to get into a sparring match over size, but our biggest lake has a 1,700 square mile surface. It’s so big, you can see it from OUTER SPACE! Idaho’s biggest lake, Lake Pend Oreille, only has a puny 148 square mile surface. It seems rude to point and laugh, but BWAHAHA.
5) We Have Tougher Movie Characters
Idaho gave us Napolean Dynamite, quite possibly the geekiest, most annoying character ever to grace the silver screen. Utah’s character contributions to film? Well, let’s see: The Lone Ranger, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, James Kirk (Star Trek 2009), Jack Sparrow (Pirates: World’s End) and Bruce Banner/The Hulk. And let’s not forget that John Wayne and Clint Eastwood made tons of movies here. Our Clint Eastwood can kick your Napolean Dynamite’s trash with one hand behind his back.
6) We’re Better Educated
30.3 percent of Utahns have a Bachelor’s degree or higher. Only 25.1 percent of Idahoans can claim the same level of education. You might think that 5 percent doesn’t matter. Oh, it does. And, it explains a LOT.
7) We Hosted the Olympics
The world sat up and paid attention to Utah when we hosted the Olympics in 2002. Idaho hosted the Olympics...never. Bummer. Because now we have some pretty amazing Olympic facilities. And Idaho doesn’t.
8) We Have Beautiful Jewelry in Little Blue Boxes
When you find the right person to marry, you want to propose in style, right? Well, any Utahn (with a largish wad of cash) can go to Tiffany, then present his or her beloved with that iconic, little blue box, containing a beautiful, high-quality bit o’ bling. How about you, Idaho lover? Whatcha got? Oh… a ring from Fred Meyer. Lame. Well, at least you got your grocery shopping done at the same time.
9) We Have Better Skyscrapers
You can judge any city by its immense skyscrapers; just ask people in Chicago or NYC. Well, Utah’s Wells Fargo building stands an impressive 422 feet tall. Idaho’s tallest building, the Zion’s Bank Building, is only 323 feet tall. OK, the Wells Fargo Building isn’t exactly a skyscraper… but we still beat Idaho!
10) We Have a Higher Peak
I know you folks from Idaho love to wax poetic about your Sawtooth Mountains. They might be kind of attractive, if you’re into that sort of thing. But if you want to value SCIENCE over some highly subjective scale of superiority, then we win. Utah’s highest peak, King’s Peak, is 13,534 feet. Borah Peak, in Idaho, is only 12,668 feet. That’s only a difference of 866 feet, you say? You get up there and hike King’s Peak and tell me that 866 feet doesn’t matter...you can show me, just as soon as you finish your french fries (accompanied by UTAH’S fry sauce).
11) We have Major League Professional Sports
We have the Utah Jazz and Real Salt Lake. Idaho doesn’t have any major professional sports teams. If you can’t compete, why even play?
12) Our Trivia Guy is Smarter
Utah’s Ken Jennings won $3,172,700 on Jeopardy!. He’s the second-highest earner from the show and holds the record for the longest winning streak — SEVENTY-ONE games in a row! Idaho’s biggest Jeopardy! champion, Arthur Chu earned a measly $500,000 and only won ELEVEN games. It doesn't take a genius to see that Utah’s trivia guy is MUCH smarter.
13) We Broke the Land Speed Record
Land speed records have been broken on the Bonneville Salt Flats at least 13 times. There may be some connection to our land speed records and the fact that Utahns drive as though the speed limit on the Interstates is really 10 miles higher than posted. Why? Because we live in Utah and we have EXCITING places to go! (like the Bonneville Salt Flats, for instance). By comparison, in Idaho you can find yourself stuck behind a farm tractor, going 15 mph for MILES. No rush, it’s ok. Not like you’re going anywhere cool anyway.
14) Our State Symbols are Superior
Our State Fossil is the Allosaurus; Idaho’s is the Hagerman Horse. Yeah, our state fossil can EAT your state fossil! Speaking of eating, Utah’s State Cooking Pot is the Dutch oven. Does Idaho even have a “State Cooking Pot?” Nope.
15) Our Weird Fringe Groups are Less Annoying
OK, so we have some polygamists here and there. They definitely dress weird and they have that whole husband-sharing thing, but Utah’s polygamists are typically peaceful and loving (sometimes a little TOO loving, especially when underaged girls are involved). If I wanted to borrow a cup of sugar from polig neighbors, they’d be happy to oblige. Idaho has scary survivalist groups. I don’t want to ask a survivalist for a cup of sugar — he’d probably shoot me the minute I stepped onto his compound.
I’ve had my fun picking on Idaho, now it’s your turn. Why do YOU think that Utah is better than Idaho? Play along in the comments below (but remember that it’s all in good fun. We don’t want all the residents of Idaho spontaneously self-immolating because we’re a bunch of bullies).