Florida May 28, 2017
11 Foolproof Ways To Make Someone From Florida Cringe
We like to think Floridians are mostly friendly folks with sunny dispositions, but everyone has a few pet peeves. If you’re looking for a way to annoy a Floridian, we have a few suggestions for you. If you’re hoping to actually make a few friends here, you can think of this as a list of things to avoid.
1. Remind them when it's almost time for snowbirds to take over their town.
Nobody wants to think about those months when their town's population swells and they can't even get a parking spot at the grocery store. Plus. the roads are full of drivers who don't know where they're going.
2. Mess up Key lime pie.
Key lime pie was invented here, and it is our official state pie (yep, that's a thing). It also happens to be super easy to make, which is why it's extremely frustrating when someone tries to mess with perfection. For example, this slice could probably have done without the pool of green slime.
3. Force them to go anywhere with snow.
We'd have to really love you to go somewhere cold in the first place. If there's snow shoveling involved, you owe us.
4. Make fun of their chosen footwear.
We're vaguely aware of the fact that folks in some other states would never consider flip-flops actual day-to-day footwear, but that's just part of who we are. For us, they're just a natural part of our laid-back lifestyle.
5. Or tell them they have to wear closed-toe shoes.
Yes, even Floridians occasionally have to wear a "real" pair of shoes, for one of those rare times when even your nice sandals won't fly. That's when we dig through our closets and dust off one of our lonely pairs of closed-toe shoes. (And maybe even a pair of foot sweaters. I mean, socks).
6. Mess with an alligator.
Nothing is more annoying to a lifelong Floridian than watching some dummy get a foot away from an alligator to snap a photo, or even worse, harass one. We love our wildlife, but we also respect it.
7. Make us read the news.
Yes, we realize there are some ridiculous stories coming out of our state on a daily basis, but there's only so much you can take before you start to lose faith in humanity. If you want to stay happy, the best course is probably just to avoid 90% of the news regarding the shady side of the Sunshine State.
8. Take them to a "beach" like this.
Bless your heart. We can't help it if living here makes you sort of a beach snob.
9. Tell them how you did things up north (or wherever you're from).
How fascinating. We're so lucky to have an ambassador like you to help us learn how to do things the right way (eye roll).
10. Feed the seagulls.
Don't be that guy. Nobody likes that guy.
11. Insult our grocery stores.
We're proud of our home-grown grocery chain. And in fact, it's been voted one of the best in the country. It's cool if you don't want to shop there. That just means more cookies for us.
How do you survive these cringeworthy moments? What else drives you crazy?