Crime is terrible, and is way too commonplace in Illinois. But sometimes you just have to laugh at criminals, especially when they are really, really stupid. Here are eight of the dumbest criminals who ever committed a crime in Illinois:
1. Billy J. Robinson
In August 2009, Robinson attempted to steal a car that someone had parked in the Lowe's parking lot. Unfortunately for Robinson, the car's owner stumbled upon him trying to hotwire the car and told him she had already called the police. Robinson fled, but was later apprehended by police. He denied that he was involved, but when police searched his bag, Robinson couldn't deny he had been involved. In the bag was a pair of needle-nose pliers, a pen light, and a print out from the internet about different ways to break into and hotwire a car. Billy's probably wishing he had committed those instructions to memory.
2. Jamie L. Gordon
Talking about going to extremes to try and get away with a crime. In 2015, down in Decatur, Gordon worked at a bowling alley and decided to rob it. But she wanted to make it look like she had prevented the robbery and was assaulted. So she took a bowling ball and hit herself in the head twice. But, Gordon's crazy actions were definitely caught on surveillance tape.
3. Danielle Saxton
Social media can be great, but it definitely has its drawbacks. Saxton learned that the hard way. Saxton decided that she didn't want to pay for a leopard print dress from Mortie's clothing boutique. Trying to discover her identity, police posted on Facebook to let them know if anyone posted a picture of themselves wearing this unique dress. But no one would be that stupid, right? Well, not content to just have her dress, she had to take a bunch of selfies, in the dress, boasting about it. Within hours, a "friend" contacted police and Saxton was caught.
4. Anthony Serrato
This is a reminder to always have your keys with you. Anthony Serrato found this out the hard way when, in December 2013, he got locked out of his car. He called the police to help him get access to his vehicle. But, unfortunately for Serrato, he had an outstanding warrant. We all know how that one turned out.
5. Che Hearn
Hearn's day started off as planned, as he went into Walmart and shoplifted hundreds of dollars worth of electronics in August, 2015. But that's where everything fell apart. Hearn came out of Walmart and discovered his car was gone. While he was in the store, his car had actually been repossessed because he was behind on his payments. With nowhere to put his electronics, he dropped the stuff in the parking lot and took off running. He was apprehended by police later.
6. Judith Hemken and TIffany Burton
There might not be too much going on down in Hillsboro, but apparently Hemken and Burton were looking to make some excitement for themselves. They decided to set up shop for their new cottage industry in Waveland Church. The two women, neither of them a member of the church, were discovered when they were found in the church after hours. Police found their clandestine meth lab in the church basement and the women were promptly arrested.
7. Jennifer Ullery
January 20, 2015: the date this mom just had enough. Ullery was sick and tired of her kids spending so much time in front of the television. She could have hidden the remote, unplugged the television, or even turned off the home's power. But Ullery really wanted her kids to get the message, so she took her .22 long rifle and fired multiple rounds into the television. Fortunately, no one was hurt. Ullery was charged with reckless discharge and possession of possession of a firearm without a license.
8. Sharrell Evans, Britley Green, Geneen Green
It's one thing not to tip your waitress because you are dissatisfied with the service, but another to physically assault them. In this case, back at the Red Lobster in Fairview Heights in 2012, a waitress was doing her job, refilling water glasses. These three customers, however, were bothered by the waitress because they claimed she was filling the glasses too often. So they threw water at her and proceeded to attack her with their menus. Shout out to the waitress, though. She was checked out by paramedics, but then returned to work the rest of her shift.
These people are unbelievable. But somehow I can believe it. Ah, humanity.