Wisconsin January 01, 2018
13 Reasons No One In Their Right Mind Visits Wisconsin In The Winter
Listen, I know we Wisconsinites put on a good face about winter and try to convince everyone that we’re beyond happy being here, but it’s honestly all just a big facade. We like to tease the rest of you when you experience “snow” or “cold weather” but it’s really just to make us feel better about our miserable existence here. Everyone knows Wisconsin is actually the worst and no one in their right mind would choose to come here, especially in winter.
Just in case you were considering the truly ludicrous idea of visiting Wisconsin in winter, here’s a list of reasons why that’s actually the worst thing you’ve ever considered:
1. First off, it's just plain ugly.
All that snow is positively gross and never looks nice. It's just a darn nuisance .
2. Nobody goes outside. Ever.
I mean, why come visit when you're never going to see another human being. In all this awful weather, we basically just hibernate for 3-5 months, so no point in coming any time between November and March, honestly.
3. Speaking of hibernation, I hope you weren't planning to see any wildlife.
Basically, Wisconsin is one giant ghost town from the humans right on down to the insects. It'll feel more like nuclear winter, that's how alone you'll be.
4. Everyone here is boring and no fun.
The cold has sucked every ounce of humor out of us, leaving us shells of our former selves. We're incapable of going out or having a good time.
5. The cars don't work in the cold and then you can't ever go anywhere.
Seriously. Once winter truly hits, there's no other way to get around.
We're so reliant on modern technology.
There's just no other way to get around and it's sad, honestly.
6. There's no fresh food.
You'll have to live on green beans canned three summers ago.
7. You can't exercise.
It's lucky there's nothing to eat because there's no way to burn off calories.
8. Winter is basically endless.
You're choosing to head to what equates to Superman's Fortress of Solitude. Just when you think Spring might be coming, it'll snow on Easter. And then again in late May. Just to remind you you're actually in Siberia with no hope of ever being warm again.
9. Everyone takes themselves so seriously.
No one has any idea how to have a good time and you'll basically be stuck inside, reading a book and playing Scrabble.
10. Life shuts down in October.
Nothing of any note happens after Halloween.
11. It's a land-locked, flyover state with nothing to offer.
You'll long for a beach or just the site of something other than farmland, honestly.
12. There's no color. Anywhere.
It's just one big snowy mass that will make you wonder if your life became "Pleasantville" and everything just turned black and white.
13. Everything freezes over and becomes basically unusuable.
It's just miles and miles of useless land or ice - what good is that?
Honestly, Wisconsin in winter is truly terrible and no one should ever check it out. It’s a good thing you had us here to tell you the truth.
Looking to learn more about how there’s nothing to do in Wisconsin in winter? Check out
You Must Visit These 13 Awesome Places In Wisconsin This Winter.
(In case you missed it, this is entirely sarcastic. We Wisconsinites know our state is actually AWESOME in winter and anyone who doesn’t think so is totally missing out!)