1) Bringing a Store-Bought Salad
Utahns like to host backyard barbeques and parties. When you’re invited to such events, you’re often asked to bring a “salad or side dish.” You’re supposed to whip up something tasty from your kitchen. I suspect that many people use the trick I sometimes employ: buy a potato salad from the store and dump in into my own bowl...but most of us would never admit it.
2) Recognizing Our Neighbors in Wendover
Many Utahns have a sudden case of amnesia when they see their neighbors in Wendover. What Happens in Wendover, Stays in Wendover. The bishop doesn’t need to know. Unless HE’S the one you just saw at the Blackjack table. Then he knows, but he’s probably not going to mention it.
3) Going to Class on a Powder Day (Even if You Don't Ski)
If you’re a Utah college student, you’d never go to class on a powder day. The powder hounds skip class to ski. Those who don’t ski know that no one else will be there, so they take the day off and go to the movies.
4) Admitting Awareness of Ashley Madison
When the list came out of highest number of paid subscriptions and Utah was 8th on that list, a whole lot of husbands were interrogated. Funny how none of them had, “Even heard of that site until just now!” Someone’s not being honest…
5) Shopping at the Liquor Store on Sunday
You’ll never catch a Utahn at the liquor store on Sunday. Because it’s CLOSED. You’ll never find us there on a holiday, either.
6) Buying a New Car Without Air Conditioning
If you’re a Utah resident and you plan to continue as such, you don’t buy a car without A/C. Not if you’ve already lived through at least one Utah summer.
7) Hiring a Moving Company for an In-State Move
We always know when an out-of-state neighbor is moving in because we see the big Mayflower moving truck pull up to the curb. Professional movers hop out and start unloading professionally-packed boxed and furniture covered with moving pads. Utahns moving in-state use U-Haul (or their cousin’s pickup truck). Their stuff is hastily jammed into boxes that aren't even taped closed and they have a bunch of friends helping them because they've been promised free pizza (and sometimes, beer).
8) Wearing the Wrong Color During the Holy War
Even people who don’t care about football make sure that they dress appropriately for game day. If you’re a BYU fan, you wear blue. If you’re a Utes fan, you wear red. If you hate football, you wear any other color so you don’t get roped into stupid football conversations based on the color of your sweater.
9) Visiting Relatives in St. George in July
We all love our Southern Utah relatives, and I bet they all REALLY feel that love in January and February, when their Northern Utah cousins all flock down to crash in their guest rooms. But Northerners just aren’t acclimated to that kind of heat in July. It’s the month to visit the Heber or Logan cousins!
10) Breathing Normally on “Red” Days
Sadly, in certain parts of Utah (looking at you, Wasatch Front), you won’t catch us breathing normally on days when the pollution is high. Instead, we’ll be hacking up a lung and feeling grumpy because we missed our morning run in the park. Some Utahns will be at the ER, suffering from severe asthma symptoms and other pollution-related maladies.
11) Trying to Run Errands in Downtown Salt Lake on Conference Weekend
You won’t catch many Utahns driving around downtown during LDS General Conference, unless they’re attending the meetings. The rest of us know to steer clear, because we’ll never be able to turn left at any traffic light in the city, due to all the pedestrian traffic.
12) Admitting That We Don’t Want to Get Married
Utahns approaching their 25th birthdays start getting the question from all their annoying relatives. If you’re already in a relationship, it’s annoying to see people pointedly looking at your girlfriend’s left hand and raising their eyebrows. If you’re not in a relationship, the last thing you need is Aunt Gertrude haranguing you about dating. It’s quite socially acceptable in other states to wait until your early 30s for nuptials. But here in Utah, it’s a little trickier to admit that you don’t want to get married yet.
13) Hiking in the Wilderness Without Telling Anyone First
Remember Aron Ralston, the guy who had to hack his own arm off when he got stuck in a slot canyon? Of course you do...everyone in Utah is tired of hearing about him! He wasn’t a native Utahn. You’ll never catch a Utahn wandering around in Utah’s desert country alone, without any kind of plan. Because we like to keep all our appendages, whenever possible, and we know that the gorgeousness of our state also comes with a bit of very real danger.
14) Buying Zucchini or Squash
You’ll never catch a Utahn buying zucchini in August or September. Why would you do that, when you have four neighbors and another dozen co-workers BEGGING you to take it off their hands?