Ohio December 14, 2016
16 Reasons Why You Should Never, Ever Move To Ohio
Oh, Ohio. Your ways of life are mysterious. And your weather alone is enough to make a sane, settled person consider packing up and leaving everything behind.
It’s no secret that Ohio’s not for everyone. It takes a strong sort of person to live here and tolerate its highs and lows—and it takes an even stronger sort of person to appreciate the highs and lows that come with living in Ohio. If you’ve ever considered leaving Ohio, you can likely relate to the struggles this list explores. And if you’ve ever considered moving to Ohio from another state, you need to be aware of the following 16 reasons Ohio might not be for you.
1. Our weather patterns don’t exist.
The word “pattern” implies sequential logic and reason that our seasons just don’t have.
2. In the north, you’ll spend half of the year buried in snow.
(Looking at you, Cleveland.)
3. In the south, you’ll spend the majority of "spring" buried in snow.
There’s no fooling us. White Christmases and actual seasons don’t exist. We don’t believe in them. Just like we don’t believe in unicorns.
4. You will never escape the construction.
Ever. Stop wondering when that highway stretch of orange barrels will end. It won’t.
5. If you make it out of one massive pothole alive, you’ll just hit another one.
Don't feel so accomplished.
6. Consequently, you will balance and rotate your tires more often than the average U.S. citizen.
It’s a necessary way of life here in Ohio.
7. In the summer months, if the humidity doesn’t suffocate you, the cicadas will.
Every year you survive a 17-year swarm, count it a blessing.
8. When you travel of out state, the accent accusations are unreal.
Listen. Ohioans don’t have accents—and we’ll take that claim to our graves.
9. You’ll likely lose the ability to give directions based on mileage or geographical location.
All that really matters here in Ohio is how long it takes to get somewhere. Where it is or how to get there is irrelevant.
10. You’ll gain the strange ability to only pronounce certain grocery and department stores in possessive form.
FYI: It’s “Meijer’s,” “Kroger’s” and “JC Penney’s” here.
11. You’ll also gain the useful (and necessary) ability to dodge kamikaze deer.
This skill will serve you well in life. You’ll use it more than you think. (Interstates are no exception.)
12. If you can’t stay loyal through the tough times, Ohio probably isn’t for you.
It takes a special breed to stay loyal to some of our teams.
13. And if you don’t bleed scarlet and gray, you should probably stay where you are.
(This one is pretty obvious, guys.)
14. And if you have ANY ties whatsoever to that *ichigan place, you should really, REALLY stay where you are.
(For safety reasons.)
15. If you don’t like corn, you should probably stay away.
(For practical reasons. It's everywhere here.)
16. Lastly (and most importantly), if you don’t have a sense of humor and a roll-with-the-punches attitude, you should most definitely stay where you are.
You’re going to need it to deal with the weather curveballs, construction nonsense and genuine craziness of Ohio. <3
What other reasons are there to never, ever move to Ohio? Share your experiences, thoughts and stories with us!
And for more relatable lists about living in Ohio, check out our previous article,
16 Things People ALWAYS Ask When They Know You’re From Ohio.