Iowa December 18, 2016
by Dpaulson 15 Reasons Why You Should Never, Ever Move To Iowa
Most people consider Iowa to be a boring flyover state with nothing exciting to offer, where we drive on dirt roads and watch the corn grow for entertainment. And you know what? We should continue to let them believe that. Because true Iowans know that what we have here is a hidden gem and it’s best not to let the secret out, so the hordes don’t move here and ruin it. So, just in case people start hinting to you about moving here, for whatever reason, here are 15 replies to convince them to stay away (wink, wink).
1. It gets really, REALLY cold.
Who wants frozen eyelashes and endless windshield scraping? Spend too much time outside, and you might even mistake us for snowmen.
2. And the humidity is killer.
If you really care about your hair looking nice, or not sweating, you totally won’t survive here.
3. If you enjoy anonymity, forget about it.
People will wave at you, talk to you, and just generally want to engage with you, so if you like your big city anonymity and detachment, you’re going to hate it here.
4. The wildlife can be...unpredictable.
If you’re not used to looking out for random deer, raccoons, possums, squirrels and rabbits darting out into the road in front of your car, you’ll be in for a rude awakening.
5. The beef and pork are good...a little too good.
There must be some sinister secret hiding behind the delectable meat cuts we consistently serve here, right?
6. Comfort food is everywhere!
Burgers, mac n’ cheese, Maid-Rites, giant tenderloins? You’ll never want to stop eating. Some might even say we have gravy coursing through our veins.
7. Affordable housing.
I mean...how can you pretend you’re superior to everyone else if you don’t pay a fortune for your abode?
8. Incredible sunrises and sunsets.
I mean, how many of these does a person really need to see?
9. Corny humor.
Get it? Because we have a lot of corn?
10. Too many writers.
Yeah, we’re home to the world’s greatest writer’s workshop but, writers are total know-it-alls, amirite?
12. Thunderstorms that will shake you to your toes.
If you’re afraid of noises that make you feel like the wrath of God is raining down upon you, you won’t make it one summer here.
Giant mosquitos sucking your blood, boxelder bugs and Japanese beetles swarming your driveway, and cicadas making their deafening noise for months on end. Just don’t tell them how magical the fireflies are.
14. It’s normal to buy food from strangers on the side of the road.
You wouldn’t want to do that, would you? Just don’t mention that the food is amazing and the strangers are nice. 🙂
15. Too many stars.
I mean, when you look up, you could be in danger of getting vertigo! Much safer to stay amongst the unnatural city lights.
For more reasons to keep our state a well-kept secret, here are 11 Things Only People From Small Town Iowa Will Understand, a nd Here Are 10 Words You’ll Only Understand If You’re From Iowa.
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