15 Reasons Why You Should Never, Ever Move To Connecticut
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Taylor Ellis
Author
Not just anyone can move to Connecticut. In order to fit into the current populace, you have to be strong, intelligent, patient, and just a little quirky. So if your in-laws find themselves falling in love with your state this Christmas, be sure to inform them of just how terrible this place is. They can’t possibly move to Connecticut, because let’s face it: Connecticut is not for everyone.
We're pretty proud of Yale and UConn, not to mention our primary and secondary education. No party people here! Just a bunch of great schools, and we'd really like to keep the class size small so we can't have people moving here all willy nilly. Their kids probably wouldn't like it anyway.
It's really quite shameful. We have our Huskies to fall back on, and they just keep raking in the NCAA championships, but it's not the same you know? We also get all the fun of partaking in the Yankees v. Red Sox rivalry and the Giants v. Patriots rivalry as well, but I'm sure your Great Aunt Katherine would much rather have an official state team to root for.
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Are you sure you're ready for snow covered trees, picture perfect road trips and low temperatures? Sure, some areas transform into gorgeous winter wonderlands, but what about the bridges that close and the hills your car can never seem to make? Is it really worth all the magical childhood memories of snow forts and sledding? Maybe. Probably. But your in-laws don't know that.
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We have lights. We have gorgeous intricate light displays made of thousands of twinkling colored lights. But doesn't everybody? Doesn't everyone have a town like Greenwich where you can actually see Santa feeding his reindeer? And let's not forget this "plain" home on Rt. 205 in Brooklyn. It's not magical or anything.
With all the quaint colonial style towns, you're sure to find yourself lost on some quiet Main Street. Then you'll get stuck in some historical tavern drinking some local microbrew and looking out at the sea. It sounds like a fantastically good time, but how much quiet can you actually take?
If you're looking for a remote existence, you can't get it here. No mater where you move it always feels like you're an hour from the city. Hartford, New Haven, and even big contenders like New York and Boston. You can't move anywhere without being spitting distance from the city. The convenience!
Your relatives love spending summers at Six Flags? Then they'll hate it here. Our historic waterfront park at Lake Compounce was one of the first in the country. It's practically tradition, the perfect place for a family outing, and a must skip for anybody who prefers mainstream chain parks. Lake Compounce was meant for folks with a Connecticut heart.
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You won't believe how hard it is to keep your yard clear when this season rolls through! The vibrant colors will turn your daily commute in to a real life painting. You'll start getting distracted and trying to call in sick and that's never good. Only the mentally strong can bear to live here in every season.
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Most folks are used to cold lobster salad on white bread, but we don't do that in Connecticut. The lobster rolls are warm chunks of lobster, drizzled with butter and stuffed into a toasted bun. I guess Connecticut people have weird taste. And since we're big on seafood, it stands to reason all of our seafood dishes will be weird, from the shrimp to the chowder. Sorry!
Prepare for a scenic drive, but be wary of these roads in the winter. They may look like a fairy tale, but they're slippery. Besides, who needs these side roads when there's an interstate to take? Only people who love looking at trees and avoiding traffic. Do you like trees? Because you can't move to Connecticut if you don't like trees.
That means you can discover crabs and jellyfish pretty easily. The water is calm, and its cooler temperature feels nice in the heat of the summer. But the lack of waves means smaller crowds, zero surf culture, and boating. It's a totally different beach lifestyle. You'll have to get used to it.
Apizza is its own brand of thin crust pizza, and it's basically famous. No one can move to Connecticut without knowing whether or not they can part with the likes of Dominos. Connecticut doesn't believe in the gimmicks of those large scale franchises. It's all about grabbing a local slice and a birch soda.
A lot of the fun in Connecticut is exploring the state parks, jumping on the trails and splashing around in the waterfalls. If you don't like nature you won't survive very long in this state. Its landscapes demand to be admired and explored.
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It's not unusual to see deer hanging out in your backyard. You'll probably see raccoons, turkey, and the occasional skunk too. The state is basically an animal sanctuary, so your plants may get munched on. Forget about fueling your inner zoologist and capturing awesome photos. Trust me. Stay far, far away from Connecticut.
Remember when life was simple and you just went to the grocery store and bought some plain Jane pint of ice cream? Well not in Connecticut. We wait all year for the dairy farms to open so we can get real handmade ice cream in fun seasonal flavors and sit at picnic tables with views of the cows. Not into the farm life? No interest in the world's best ice cream? We don't want ya!
Still think a move to Connecticut is a good idea? Make sure to check out all the Weird Things Nutmeggers Do before you commit to this New England gem!
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