The Season 6 premiere of The Walking Dead is just a few weeks away, and that got me thinking: What if there was a real zombie apocalypse right here in Utah? I know that the odds are pretty slim. Well, probably impossible. But, for the record, I’m not the only one who is entertained by thinking of survival skills and zombies. A team of researchers at Cornell actually spent time and effort coming up with a zombie apocalypse model. I’m not kidding — you can read all about it in this
Washington Post article.
So, purely for fun, I give you the 10 best places to hide if Utah suffers from an outbreak of bloodthirsty zombies.
1) The nearest LDS Temple
If you’re Mormon, head immediately to your local temple. Everyone knows that only members in good standing with a current recommend can get into the temples. Zombies won’t be capable of remembering to dig out their recommend to present at the door, so you’ll be pretty safe inside. If you’re Mormon but you don’t have a current recommend, you’re gonna have to take your chances with the rest of us. Shoulda thought about that when you decided that Sunday football was better than Sacrament Meeting, huh?
2) Timpanogos Cave
It’s a long, steep hike to the cave, and zombies have trouble maintaining their balance even on level ground, so they’ll be moving slowly. If you’re in decent shape, you can probably get into the cave well ahead of them. Block off the entrance and post someone to stand guard and throw rocks at the zombies attempting to climb the trail. Don’t forget to bring a jacket and a flashlight — the cave is cold and it’s dark in there.
If you’re looking for more luxurious accommodations, head for your nearest Costco. As long as you and your closest 300 friends secure those rolling entrance doors before the zombies invade, you’ll enjoy delicious rotisserie chickens, huge bricks of imported cheeses and cases of Haagen Dazs ice cream bars for dessert. You’ll sleep well on luxury mattresses with 1,000-thread count Kirkland brand sheets.
4) Antelope Island
Zombies can’t swim. Grab a couple tents, some rifles, ammunition, charcoal briquettes and several dozen sticks of dynamite. Once you get safely onto the island, use the dynamite to blow up the causeway so the zombies can’t follow you. The rifles will come in handy for hunting, and the charcoal briquettes will help you create a tasty bison BBQ.
5) Lake Powell
If you’re lucky enough to be in the southern part of the state when the zombie outbreak occurs, you can snag a luxury houseboat and head out to the middle of the lake. Try to find a houseboat that’s already fully-stocked with food, water and alcoholic beverages, and grab a couple wave runners to keep you entertained, too.
6) Dead Horse Point
If you’re really savvy (and you own a few sheep dogs), you can do your part to rid the state of zombies by organizing a zombie drive at Dead Horse Point. Choose the fattest, juiciest survivor, rub him down with bacon, then put him on an ATV to keep him just far enough ahead of the undead. As he nears the edge of the cliff, followed by the blood-thirsty zombies, let the sheep dogs loose to go around to the back of the zombie pack and nip at their heels. The fat, juicy survivor can veer off at the last minute, leaving the zombies to fall to their deaths into the abyss below. It's not so much a hiding place as a proactive survival technique.
Take the aerial trams to the top of Hidden Peak (elevation: 11,000 feet). Snowbird is building a brand new restaurant at the peak, which will hopefully be completed and well-stocked by the time zombies invade. Once you secure the trams at the top, it will be almost impossible for zombies to reach you. You can sit back and relax, enjoy the view of Mineral Basin and drink the most expensive bottles of wine.
8) Cove Fort
If you find yourself in Millard County when the apocalypse occurs, you can always try Cove Fort as an option. It’s not very big, and those restored wooden doors don’t really look that strong, but if it’s all you’ve got handy, it might be your best bet. The restored fort is full of antique furniture and historical artifacts, so if you survive you can always learn to use a spinning wheel and a loom. You'll be amongst the best dressed apocalypse survivors!
9) Granite Mountain Records Vault
This large vault, buried into the mountain at the mouth of Little Cottonwood Canyon, is said to only contain a bunch of records and microfilm for the LDS church. I’m sure it does contain a lot of boring documents, but I’m willing to bet it’s also fully stocked with dehydrated goodies to last at least 10 years.
10) Walmart Distribution Centers
Much like Costco, these distribution centers (located in Grantsville, Corinne and Hurricane) might be a good place to bunker. Americans seem to think that Walmart sells things they simply can’t live without during normal non-apocalyptic days, so imagine how handy those millions of items will be during a zombie invasion! One advantage that Walmart has over Costco: it sells guns and ammo, so you’ll be armed to the teeth.
Do you have any good ideas for places to hide during a zombie apocalypse in Utah? Tell us here in the comments.