With summertime in full swing, most Marylanders have already partaken in a crab feast or two – or more. If you haven’t, now is the time to start planning for an epic Maryland crab feast before it’s too late. Here are a few things that are bound to happen when eating crabs. This oh-so-true list highlights the best and worst parts of this beloved Maryland tradition.
1. Butt and back cramps.
With hours of sitting on (rear) end, your body is sure to cramp up. Best to get up and stretch every half hour or so.
2. Your shirt WILL get messy.
Best to wear a casual t-shirt that you don't mind getting dirty.
3. There will be beer.
The perfect pairing with crabs.
4. And someone will drink way too much.
Crabs (and the summertime) have this effect on people.
5. But after hours of devouring spicy seasoning, you'll want to switch to water.
It's all about balance.
6. All side dishes will be ignored.
People have good intentions when bringing side dishes to a crab feast, but most people only want one thing.
7. Parents with small children will have to pick the meat for their kids, delaying their own consumption of meaty crabs.
They deserve a medal, and an extra beer.
8. You'll lose track of how many crabs you've eaten.
And then have the urge to dig through the bucket of discarded carcasses. You MUST know if you've achieved a new personal record!
9. Someone will pound their mallet way too hard, causing fragments of shell to fly like shrapnel.
Sit this guest at the end of the table, or teach them how to pick crabs a bit less violently.
10. Odds are, you'll cut your finger on the crab's sharp spikes.
But nothing worth having in life comes easy. Choke back the tears, and eat MORE crabs for revenge.
11. Your fingernails will collect crab muck, as a reminder of your feast.
Even after a good scrubbing, the undersides of your nails may hold crabby remnants for a few more days.
12. Afterwards, you'll fall into a satisfying food coma.
With your belly full of beer and a sodium-rich meal, the bloat is worth it.
13. You'll want to take a picture of the end result.
You waited all year for this moment. Be proud.